Being Me

I am going to give a little insight into me, my life. This is a brand new post, before this one I have been copying and updating posts as I move my blog from one site to another. It is an exploration into my life, my mind and the dream of a supportive community.

I only write when I am inspired to. In reality I can't do anything when I try to force myself to any more. I seize up, become paralysed when I try and make myself do anything or when I become too overwhelmed with possibility I can not choose anymore.

I am sure it is likely a coping mechanism and linked to a preferred trauma response (freeze) by my nervous system. It used to be debilitating for a time, but I have grown and healed a lot over the past few years. I know what it is now so it's not quite so scary to manage. I see it now as a clear sign I am doing something my body doesn't' agree is good for me. I am taking too much on and I need to make my choices smaller.

Sometimes for example I might want to write to express a big thought or idea or explain a situation I am navigating but I can't even write because I get so backed up with what needs to be expressed I am paralysed that way. So I might just share a few words on social media or write for a while in my journal until the paralysis passes and I can refocus.


I am not stupid, or slow or weak or incapable. Actually I am really intelligent, insightful, optimistic, bold and brave and sometimes that leads to having so much awareness and so much to do that I am unable to do any of it for a while.

Also life seems to like creating situations for me. I learn through experience and I have had a lot of experience!

Because of that or just perhaps how I am, I see how everything connects. This is both a blessing and a curse. It is great for my design work and the work I would like to do creating and redesigning our social systems. But ultimately it also means I see so many ripples and connected tasks to each simple task I need to do if I don't have a strong urge to do anything in particular I don't know what to do next.

A state which feels impossible to explain to someone who doesn't already understand (from their own experience). So suffer and struggle with it at times.

I live and work alone. I would prefer not to but I do. I have three pets and load of plants including three gardens to care for and at the moment I also care for my mother several days of the week. I don't have many friends. I don't really have anyone local, nearby as a friend or any family members who help or support me, in any way and especially not with practical things in my life.

I go through life alone and have done more and more so in the past five years since becoming single again at 34. All the responsibility of me, my life and my creations falls on my shoulders.

That and I always seem to manage to get myself into situations that are huge... that I currently have going on or what I am recovering from. Like trying to sort out my Universal Credit claim or clear the misdiagnosis I have on my record from the NHS. Or when I felt like I had no choice to report my rapes, attempted rapes and childhood sexual abuse. Or when I then tried to get compensation after the police did nothing about it. These big, important, life affecting situations I don't want but can't seem to not address if I want to live my life like in the way I want and need to. They take energy, mental capacity, emotional regulation to accommodate.

My reality also says I don't have anyone to talk about them with. I have navigated them alone apart from a trusted coach who I can't even afford to pay any more. It's hard to explain to others who don't know why I might need help to do the cleaning or buy a takeaway. The weight seeming too big to off load to others and scenarios that can't really be spilt up and shared in small doses.

I will write about it all more one day. When I can, when it is all over and I have processed it. When I can find the space and time to do it.

So reflecting on all this, this morning (which then turned into afternoon) I couldn't move. My body wouldn't muster enough energy to move and I couldn't collect my thoughts to know what would be best to do today or focus my energy on to any singular thing that would be worth my while.

I felt the same last night before I went to bed. I spent hours just mindlessly watching reels to break the spell of my paralysis. I was there, stuck, reflecting on where to start with my day knowing so much needed to be done and dreaming of help with the washing up... so I wrote this social media post.

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I find it curious these days that support very often is aligned with sign posting, talking, advice giving.
I wasn't there but I've heard stories of when my grandparents were young, in communities.
Support meant someone cooking for you, babysitting, cleaning, being there, going to each others for tea etc.
I think we have lost the art and meaning of support.

Even when someone offers to help it often has the requirement of a request or something new or additional you need to do, consider or is asked from you.
I don't know about you but when I really need support I have no capacity.
No capacity to ask.
No capacity to consider.
No capacity to chatter or make arrangements or follow advice.

I imagine real support to be a friend who turns up, tells you to relax, does the dishes, makes a cuppa then sits with you, gives you a hug then tells you they'll check in again soon.
All the while I have nothing to consider because I know they are happy to do it and they aren't there to judge or make it mean anything about them.
I imagine single Mams when they really need support just want a friend to bring around some tea, take the kids out for a couple hours at the park, come back, cook said tea, hoover, put the kids to bed while you have a bath then spend some time chatting and chilling with you.

I don't have any friends that do this for me, I don't have any friends I am close enough to, to do that for them.
Outside of my community work the closest I've got is giving a neighbour a cooked meal, or cleaning up their garden and we weren't really that close.
I often even feel anxious about contacting friends because I want the connection but not the chat or arrangement making.
Or I don't know if they'll be available for me.

I do miss the ease of group friendships from my younger days.
When you're young we just assume we will be there for each other.
I think this is why for a long time I had fantasies of living in an intentional community.
To make that culture easier but then from the outside looking in at these I see lots of space to talk or do internal work or be together socially with expectation of socialising.
That's why I don't seek that as an ideal any more.

I think we are all focused on ourselves or our work or our own families now.
Makes it feel like an intrusion to assume others need support... or even know if they do since we keep quiet when really need it or make desperate sounding posts on social which terrifies each other so all we muster is more advice and words.

But it'd be nice sometimes to have that sense of being able to rely upon each other, physically.
To feel safe enough to just allow someone in to do that or allow yourself in their life to do that for others.

Maybe I'm a dreamer.
To me that's what I imagine support to mean when I need it.
Ah the fantasy of someone willing to help with my washing up for a change while I sort my life out or just rest.
Do you have support like this in your life?
What would support mean to you?

It started as a few words and expanded in to the long post. Then after I posted it, the idea expanded even further (i'll share that soon) and then now even further into deciding I have to write this entire blog post to explain it all.

All the while knowing the writing, this post, does nothing to relieve my to do list or make any long term relief for me. Instead it just gets it all out of me so I can have a clean slate and perhaps do one of the tasks I need to after I have accomplished it.

The irony being I have no long idea how long this writing will even take and if i'll get it published today, It might just become another unfinished task or another unfinished piece of writing in the very many I already have. The writing and concentrated effort might exhaust me, using all of the focused energy I have for the day. It might be all I do!

I am already aware the post is going to be really long, probably too long to be appreciated or read perhaps. That is has no real purpose or direction. That I am covering so many topics it is unlikely to appeal to any one group.

But I can't explain it, I have to write it anyway. It is all I have energy and focus for right now. I know through experience if I even try to do anything else it will be a total waste. It won't work, I'll fail at it, get mudded lose focus and it will be pointless endeavour to try anyway.

I know because I have experimented with tactics in the past. I have observed myself and assessed what works best for me to get the most out of myself.

That being said while I am doing this writing I am simultaneously eating and cooking and have already had to do my washing up and gone to the bakery and the shop to get the food I am eating in preparation for making the space to do the writing.
I am smoking herbs (because I don't want to smoke tobacco or weed and get addicted again, these were my previous coping mechanisms) and I am drinking tea.. always I need tea to help me feel calm and catered for.
Make sense?

No, not even to me really but all I know is that this is where my energy is taking me so its do this or be paralysed completely and do nothing or waste my time trying to force myself to do something else and be paralysed tomorrow.

I don't mind living this way. If I was left in peace, if I had my provision supplied I would be happy to live this way. Manage, do what I need to do. Even more so if I had the support of a partner or hands on company and friends I imagine my life to be so much easier to manage.

But instead I am supposed to navigate myself, plus societal expectations in exchange for my survival basics, on top of what I already have to do and not consider what I have the energy for. Like earn money (which generally speaking I am not good at) to pay for things already paid for (like my home and energy supply) or food or to buy the things I want and need to finish the things off my list when I have the energy to do them or to care for myself and ease my symptoms.

So you can have a further insight into my life and all the things my mind is considering at once, these are the things I am aware I have to do and are on my to do list (some are more imminent that others and some are big ongoing tasks but this is the list anyway):

• Clean my clothes
• Hoover my house
• Change my bed covers
• Go shopping (I did put this one back a bit by going to the bakery and shop earlier).
• Finish work on my boutique website (www.ss-boutique.uk).
• Promote boutique – plan, produce and schedule social media fo Facebook and instagram, learn how to use Pinterest and plan and promote on there, figure out how to capture customers for an email list and plan ans schedule emails for them.
• Send (and now likely re-edit first) the 10 page compliant letter I spent yesterday and the day before writing to universal credit to try and defend myself since they have sanctioned me for not turning up to an appointment I already told them I couldn't turn up to as won't have any income from them next month unless I attend another appointment with them that I don't want to attend as it causes me anxiety because they are trying to force me to get employed work and I can't nor do I want to.
• Find some sort of legal support to help me challenge the people I was working with on the community garden project I run who decided to lock me out of my office for no reason and stop me being able to do the project I have been running for 7 years and cause a whole nonsensical made up drama.
• Figure out how best to remove myself from the before mentioned situation and partnership since it is obviously toxic which will mean having to potentially move the whole garden (which would require me to prepare the other bit of land I would need to move it to) and gather funds to do it or spend unpaid time dealing with this situation meaning I have even less free time or time to work as the DWP demand or create a whole other legal situation that would require them to pay for my time and force them to pay for it all after the fact, knowing their business is failing anyway and they have no real money to spend.
• Care for my Mam which is now 3-4 days per week.
• Sort two drawers full of garlic and distribute or sell it, which requires me making more time and finding who wants it or preserve it which would also need to be recorded so I can add it to one of my courses which I can sell in the future or create an event around it to sell now and possibly make some money which requires me committing to a date, making promotion material around and then having to plan promoting and filling suggested event.
• I also have an onwww.loveschool.ukline school (www.loveschool.uk) I need to create content for but am now worried I have to put that off while I deal with the garden situation, even thought there is more chance of me making actual money from the school. Which would then also require me to do additional promotion work to sell the school including more planning, producing and scheduling. Then of course f I do sell the space having to welcome and support the customers.
• Find a partner which includes to horror of online dating and then actually having time to enjoy myself and date these potential partners. (Of course this might not work out and I might send all this time and not find anyone compatible).
  
• Make friends which includes trying to find people to make friends with and again arrange circumstances we can hang out and be friendly in. Or contact old friends, who haven't contacted me, where there is history and obviously a reason one way or another why we aren't in touch.
  
• Rest.

It's ridiculous.

And I haven't even included paying bills, eating, exercising, walking the dog and managing my pets health and meeting their needs. And of course the fore mentioned situations with Dr's, DWP and just life stuff that arises like the parking ticket that came through and dealing with the effects of past trauma, processing grief and managing day to day triggers if they arise.

I am aware I have created all these things I need to do, each of them has a purpose in my life. I feel like they have a place with me and are required one way or anther to meet a need of mine.

When I am focused and calm I can juggle all this and get a lot done. But I sleep a lot... well often I don't sleep, especially when I am stressed (being forced to deal with situations I don't want to) so rather than actually sleep I lie in bed tossing and turning or get up and perhaps try to channel my energy or just relax for a while while I am exhausted.

All this to consider and the idea of some support so very welcome. After posting my post it got me to thinking further, deeper. When I say thinking I more accurately mean processing the huge thought and idea that landed in my mind immediate after.

It was this:

I realised what I was describing (the support I so wanted to experience) was the role of women in society that has been lost as we were moved into the work place, which is now expected of us.

I remember when I got a lot of information through channelling around her story (because remember that his story is written by men). When men were at work all day but the fantasizing and imagining what the women were doing or rationalising what they have been told by women what they were doing all day.

And let's face it, women are smart. Women very likely weren't alone in their houses slaving away all day pining for their husbands return as they might project to their tired, hard working husbands. More likely the images I got about our true past are women active, creating the community, support and care aspect of our society we are so sorely missing today.

Look what women do today to try and make more money or find themselves again. They use their creative skills, like crochet, jewellery making, baking, art...before we were required to capitalise on that for our value to be appreciated what would we have done with it?

• Helped each other.
• Shared our skills.
• Given them as gifts.
• Donated them for community events or charitable causes.
• Offered them to friends and family.

I don't for a second believe women were silly enough to do all their housework alone while the men were out and the kids playing or at school. We all know housework is more bearable with friends. I reckon they would visit each other and work together doing each others chores. Took turns child minding and babysitting (which was eradicated in the 90s) so women had time to themselves or to go out. Spending time arranging day trips away so they could get out of the town or village together for a while as a group.

They would likely call on each other, pop to see their parents or grandparents, check in on neighbours, go to the local shops, care home or community centre.

Women weren't poor hard done by housewives at home alone, we were active, creative, caring members of the community.

And this is not about gender roles, although let's face it a big part of the reason this stopped is when women were introduced to the idea of expectation of work to help support the cost of living rises. And then in the name of equality when men were welcomed into the care of children and women (having experienced their own sexual abuse) saw the dangers of leaving men alone with children and vulnerable people. (But that is for a very different post).

So now its all regulated, charged for and the beauty of it lost. Our communities eroded. Our extended family's long forgotten to one another.

Now in a time when potentially we need more support than ever (because we are all so busy, mentally ill and alone) the love and care we need is supposed to be booked, paid for, have agreements and expectations attached. The fun and joy and natural exchange of it all dead and buried.

When we made the move towards the acceptance we all need to work, making everything more expensive so we can't even afford to buy what we need anyway. Now families and communities suffer. Beyond suffering they don't exist beyond ideology and meaningless words we use to describe a biological connection.

Unpaid carers, stay at home mothers, unemployed creatives and people with disabilities now an underclass of even the working class. Don't work? Starve and freeze then is the response of our cold, demanding, government and their “support services”. In the past at least people seemed to have real friends and communities so at least we starved and froze together. Now we do it alone.

Society slowly forgetting what the idea of a mother and a father even are. Erasing the role of grandparents and cousins and aunties beyond gift giving and titles. Us all dreaming of friends like am unrealistic life goal that can only be tolerated if we are pretending to be fine, drinking or medicating, ignoring the cause of our lack.

So how do we fix it?
I think one idea to consider is if we had a universal income. And not just bare minimum token amount, we need to give people enough money to live, more than enough even...Enough to thrive!
Not assigned to social credit (as the conspiracy theories predict) or in the form of vouchers or digital credit that can be spent at certain places.
Free to use, unregistered, unrestricted cash... for everyone. Enough money they can spend it however they want.

Then see what happens.
I think people will find jobs and work they love that brings them alive. People will spend more time to care for friends and family without worry. They will get educated. They will take time off to rest and take time to heal. Regardless of gender or expectations of roles we will come together, support local business, create events, we will make communities.

Would it be perfect... no.

At times it would be damn inconvenient as we realise we have lost all the exploited workers we relied upon for meaningless and convenience based production. We would lose an entire work force of people who tolerate occupations they hate through fear.

But we would adapt and evolve and we could find us in a whole new place our society has never experienced before. Actual freedom... for all.

I constantly fluctuate between wanting to live a simple life and wanting to use my experience to change society and make it better for people like me and future generations. My mind becomes filled with how it all fits together, the physical, the emotional, the mental, the spiritual, the planets and earth, our relationships, society and the intention behind it and requirement of it vs the way we interact with each other and force our intention on each other making it all so unbearable. My privilege, the alternates, solutions and how and why they might go wrong.

Yet, I am also very skilled now at switching it off for a time. When I make my life small, meet my basic needs, connect with nature and my nervous system relaxes. I can be so fully present in the moment and it is blissful. This skill and understanding I want to share so much, such peace I have found in this place. It feels like a gift to give to others. Because I know many of us have as much to manage these days, so many expectations, so little support. This what drives many of those things on my to do list.

All of this being said, it is hard at times. When being myself is a challenge and causes me challenges...I still love being me. I want what is best for me and I want to be free to be me and I want that for everyone else too. Despite knowing that it might never be possible and that humans all learn and grow and suffer and pain at different times and in different ways.

The complexity of life is beautiful and interesting and fascinating to me. To be free to just experience my version of it, without having to accommodate your ideas for me within it, the dream.

I am not sure why it felt like the only right thing to do was to write this and share it. But I appreciate you reading it all. Perhaps something resonates in you, perhaps some ripple effect of awareness in our collective consciousness will change everything for us thanks to ideas sparked in the sharing of it. Perhaps it is indulgent privilege that I have spent precious time and energy bringing it all to life in words only a few souls will read and fewer will truly understand.

Who knows.

But heres to collective compassion, mutual understanding and believing in the possibility of, the dream come true.