I Am Not Nice

In a world where being nice seems to align with being obedient, with hiding truth, with being acceptable enough to tolerate mistreatment and stay silent as it is happens, where niceness is sickly sweet beyond the complexity and depth of fine dining feast to create a benign and palatable meal... I am not nice.

I wanted to declare, in the intention of being honest, that I am not a nice person, nor do I aspire to be.

I am not nice through the want to be unkind or hurtful, I am not nice because I see how damaging being "nice" can be. I would rather be honest.

I have a history of being on the edges, never really fitting into any group, enough to be picked on and called out yet not too far not to be able to be friendly with a wide range of people.

I am not a well liked as far as I am aware or popular by any measure. I am under no illusions that few people may care about what I have to say or why I am saying it.

For me in my life today, why I need to write, is that I have literally become so comfortable in my own aloneness, I do not care what others who do not love me, think of me.

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Not people in my family, not colleagues or even friends, because I understand now that if I am not able to be myself and seek my truth around another, they are not really a friend to me. The feeling of truth, being fully expressed, being free of my defences, finding truth and honesty within myself was my missing piece to wholeness.

Expressing this has brought great peace and power to me if others find that uncomfortable...bye, bye.

To me it is an early warning if someone is to demand niceness from me, that they may be a future liar. It indicates that they still identify with a mask and don't have the integrity to be trusted in my world. It is likely they can not handle my truth or my energy and should probably move along their path.

Because it is one thing to be nice because that is natural to you, it is how you feel in this exchange, it is how you choose to be and it is quite another to demand niceness from others, to dictate their response and assume your way of being is replicated.

It has become apparent to me that people who do live under this demand of niceness really are not that nice. Because it is likely they will punish my lack of reciprocation with some sort of bullying, ignorance of themselves and for me perhaps forced isolation and punishment. Very often they will be happy with my suffering in exchange for my lack of niceness.

Over the past decade of my life I have prioritised my healing and have cured my insanity. I have had various therapies and found various methods of releasing trauma from my body. This means I do not have emotional attacks and flashbacks like I used to so I am more balanced as a person now. I relish the idea of being more solid in myself now. Being at one with who I am and all of my expressions since I questioned my own mind and experience for so many years before.

I have wondered in moments in my new found confidence, my step into self love, consciously increasing my self value, practicing self care and trusting myself by acting upon my instincts... Is it too much?

It feels so great to feel good about myself and allow myself to feel good about myself, even when I fuck up!
Does that make me arrogant?
Does it make me narcissistic?

Maybe it does, at times. Maybe this is needed sometimes to cure my codependence and constant seeking of external approval through some sort of energetic dualistic balance.

Although, I never think I am better than another person, that my experience is better than theirs, I am just certain in my own experience and I am am well lived.

I think we are all very unique and have special gifts in our own way. I am aware of mine, I know my strengths and weaknesses and that makes me better. I feel better in myself and better than I was, not better than you or better than any other in their experience.

At times I imagine what a world with everyone being their true selves might be like. I imagine it could be like nursery school, as grown-ups. A play ground but one created with consciousness... chaotic, organised, freedom of play. Life being the playground and our development the game.

Along my path I have practised well and have explored my spirituality. I have a natural intuition and at one point my consciousness was so open I received regular communication beyond my own mind and experience. I developed this skill and I can and do communicate with Angels and other spiritual entities. I am not nice though.
I thought that in order to do this, to be close to God, to be gifted with the presence of Angelic guidance, to be spiritual I had to be “good” to be pure, to be pleasing and overly pleasant.

There was a time I tried really hard to be because I thought I had to be, untilI realised there are many ways to be and many ways to heal. I discovered hat spirituality encompasses all things, that consciousness can be vast and is both light and dark, that it is Earthly and etheric.

I discovered I can heal through fire, I can burn, I can be high energy like a fever I am uncomfortable yet effective at cutting through the cause of pain and disharmony, through letting go of my need to be liked and to be nice.

I can be sharp, and blunt at times. Both being as rough as each other given different circumstances although I do not think I am unkind or cruel and if I am it is not my intention. I don't want to cause harm or injure another, but now I will not coddle or protect you from the truth of you as I know you, the situation as I see it and your contribution towards it as I notice it.

I have suffered with “mental illness” through my lifetime. Distress that is caused by my thinking suffering due to the constructs I created in the expectations of others. The strain of masking my true emotions when traumatised or hurt.

Making sense of my personal trauma and living with the symptoms of it was horrific at times and caused me much pain. I am not perfect and at time I lashed out at others. I am a very emotional being and sometimes, this expresses in a dynamic way. Not everyone can accept this, tolerate it understand it or shield themselves from being effected by it.

My behaviour has lost people from my life in the past.

At times I have left, walked on without a look back. The coldness of my walk away for self protection has also caused waves of isolation for me over the years. The bitterness of my own winter chill has taught me lessons.

I came to understand when I was not appreciating others and what they were giving to me. I see it now, my blindness to their generosity and I have tried to learn to better. Choose to see it and change the response in myself...cherish those who choose to stay with me.

I enjoy the challenge of life, the discourse and the debate we create being amogst each other. I am open to see myself and be confronted with myself and my own contributions to the world without judgement leaving me to discern if my response and behaviour is within my integrity. Even if it hurts to see it.

I am not perfect, not even close to it. I am honest though, I am brave, I am caring, loving and bold as brass. I want to see us all thrive, be stronger, better, fulfilled in our experiences. It is honesty I think that brings this out in us as I imagine a world where all humans are fully expressed.

I use stories and metaphor, nature and energy to explain things because it is what I understand. I see things others don't and I struggle to explain them in ways considered “normal” in day-to-day interactions or with our usual language.

I generally struggle because I consider most of the foundations of our society to be myth, untrue and total nonsense; damaging in fact. Nature makes sense to me so I often use her to explain the true logic of life as I see it.

I don't understand the acceptance of corruption so willingly cradled by others. I have big complex thoughts that connect each one to the other. They are massive webs of data that are difficult to explain in a sentence or a quick two minute passing chat or in the light of “socialising” for fun.

Of course I see the value in sharing lightheartedness and joy but I don't understand why do we avoid the real, the difficult and that which takes effort to experience.

This is why so few people know me.

I am human. I long for and love the long deep delve of an intimate conversation. A conversation of unfolding that could last for years. I feel deeply, I see people deeply and I want to know.

I seek to know it all and I understand that I never will.

I want to know myself, every other and the wonder of nature as much as I can. I do not want to know illusion or presentation I want to know real even if it is not physical. To me too much small talk is ghastly and often I can't seem to find a real world out let for what I need to say.

So indulged in myself as I am, this is my exploration of that need for expression.

On my journey I have made many friends and I have for moments at least known people deeply, I see their beauty and spent a career capturing and sharing it. Beyond their niceness.

Over time I realised others didn't see the same beauty. People may not see the beauty in themselves or others and instead focus on the beauty of the mask. Because of this so many people focus on creating a mask and building strong but invisible defences that are presented to the world as a sacrificial offering, without ever bothering to peek through the facade to realise there was never really any true threat.

I have worn masks and lived life behind some very deep defences I created. Slowly I realised I had limited myself so much I was in agony. All I was was hidden and locked away behind my need to be nice all the time.

I began to intentionally look at myself and see these constructs for what they are and decide which ones I wanted to keep. Of course at time, in some circumstances our masks and defences are helpful and perhaps even required for our safety.

I have now crafted my own conscious masks and defences and let go of all layers that did not serve me. I know them now I can now clearly see the masks of others because I have been involved in the construction destruction and reconstruction of my own.

It turns out that learning to see this way is gift with a sharp side. It means I have little tolerance for the current bullshit layers of unconscious and falsely constructed masks used by people daily and I see their pointlessness when used blindly, protecting them from themselves.

I don't see the sense in complying with the will of others or sabotaging our own brilliance. I do not see the point in pleasing an invisible authority or even a visible, widely accepted or non-elected one.

I do not understand the desire to be controlled, the need to comply or the will to give your life to the intention of another beyond an endless childishness. Yes it feels easier to allow someone else the responsibilities of life but then what happens when we are all subject to the consequences of that?

I'd rather be difficult and make the difficult decisions for myself and have faith that you can do the same, knowing we are all in this experience of life together.

At times the constructs of our society makes no sense to me and the truth as it is presented to me is cold and hard. Constructs all made and developed from the mind, warped so far away from the heart urge that wanted us to be close and able to rely upon one another.

I have a sense from deep in my heart that we are all to blame for the horror we have brought to our world.


Children with cancer... we contribute.
Rainforest destruction... we contribute to it.
Homeless families... we contribute to it.


Can we help it?

I wonder this often and this blog is that expression of exploration. I have chosen to accept the duality that we can and we also aren't to blame. I seek solice in the Serenity Prayer
“To grant me the Serenity to accept what I can not change, Courage to accept what I can and Wisdom to know the difference.”

I choose to change where it appears and when I can move with it in my life. This is when I am no longer nice.

I choose to try to accept when change happens and see where I am. Sense when I am stuck and where I can not effect a different outcome. To tolerate my smallness and my humanity in it all.

Part of me enjoys the challenge of bringing this to you to do the same.

In my life I will not tolerate excuses, manipulation, justification or ignorance of bad behaviour from others just as I will not tolerate it within myself any longer. Yet I can accpept we are human, flawed and bound to our experience and the limitations of that.

For me I feel like I have found the balance between discipline to improve, acceptance of where I am and where improvement is needed and a willingness to move towards the better.

I have little interest to mix with others playing around stagnant ponds or paddling in empty rock pools. I do love to visit them so I can find my discernment but my journey is to flow with the waterfalls, streams and burns of the earth, finding the true beauty of the world as it is in peace; when no one is there to interfere with her.

I am ready should another see a defence I am unaware of within me for it to be revealed and integrate it to help me grow into a whole, being without need for false defences or the appearance of being acceptable.

Like my cat who is adorable and sweet to me while being equally ferocious and deadly in her power when confronted with a mouse.

Who is a pet, domesticated and must tolerate the limits of my household, she is also independent, free and ruthlessly choosey.

I am not nice.

I am neither a gentle nor delicate person.

I will not play to a facade or meet your expectations of my decency; I am no lady.

I am strong, powerful and full of fire while also being vulnerable, emotional and always in need.

My nature is not to be always malleable, overly flexible and innately soft, although my heart is humble and open always to growing and improving. Even if it hurts me to recognise and move into the growth. it excites me, to see what I can unfold into and it excites me to watch it happen in others.
And I always want to encourage it.

The time is ready for it as we evolve our humanity and the Earth is demanding it of us.

Growth is in our nature, growing into life or growing into death. Right now I feel humanity seeks to be growing in to truth and I am here to play my part and speak my truth. If this makes me unpopular to the masses I have little care. My hope is only to be loved by those who know my heart in all it's truth, even if that is a couple of cats, a dog and a hoard of plants who appreciate my gesture upon life.